The painful truth about rejection, mixed signals and the responsibility that comes with giving someone hope

There is a particular kind of pain that comes with rejection.

But perhaps there is an even deeper pain that comes before rejection, the pain of being made to believe that you had a chance.

You meet someone. You talk. You laugh. You begin to understand each other. Somewhere along the way, the person tells you they like you.

They tell you that you are their type. They tell you they enjoy being around you. They make you feel wanted.

And naturally, you begin to hope.

Not because you imagined everything.

Not because you were desperate.

But because they gave you reasons to believe that something was growing between you.

Then, suddenly, they choose someone else.

And you are left asking yourself:

What happened?

Was I not enough?

Did I misunderstand everything?

Why did you tell me you liked me?

Why did you make me feel like I mattered to you if, deep down, you were never going to choose me?

These questions are painful because sometimes, the person who rejects you has done nothing technically wrong.

They were allowed to change their mind. They were allowed to discover that their feelings were stronger for someone else.

But the problem is not always the choice.

Sometimes, the problem is how you were treated while they were making that choice.

The Pain of Being Given Hope

I have watched situations like this unfold on many dating and relationship reality shows.

People meet strangers, form connections, develop feelings and, somewhere along the journey, one person changes direction.

That is the nature of dating.

People are allowed to explore.

People are allowed to be uncertain.

People are allowed to realise that the person they initially liked is not the person they ultimately want.

However, watching these situations makes me wonder about something much bigger:

Do we really consider the feelings of the people we are dating when we make our choices?

Because behind every contestant, every dater and every person trying to find love, there is a human being.

A person with emotions.

A person with insecurities.

A person who may have spent years building walls around their heart before finally deciding to let somebody in.

And when you give that person hope, you have to understand that hope comes with responsibility.

When “I Like You” Means Something Different

You cannot keep telling somebody:

“I like you.”

“I feel something for you.”

“You are my type.”

“I can see myself with you.”

“You are one of my choices.”

Then behave as though those words meant nothing when you eventually choose someone else.

Of course, nobody owes another person a relationship.

But surely, we owe each other honesty.

If you are still confused, be honest about where you stand.

When you are weighing your options, don’t pretend that you have already made a decision.

And if you genuinely have feelings for two people, acknowledge that uncertainty instead of creating false expectations.

There is nothing wrong with saying:

“I like you, but I am still trying to understand what I feel.”

That may hurt a little.

However, at least the other person knows where they stand.

What hurts much more is certainty being presented when there is actually uncertainty.

Why Some People Are Afraid to Open Their Hearts

Perhaps this is why some people are so afraid of relationships.

They have seen what happens when they open themselves up.

They wonder:

What if I invest my emotions and this person chooses someone else tomorrow?

What if I become vulnerable and they eventually change their mind?

What if everything I believed was real was only temporary for them?

Those questions can make anyone hesitate. Instead of rushing into a relationship, they take their time. They observe, ask questions and look for signs that they can trust the other person. Sometimes, that caution is not a lack of interest. It is self-protection.

And perhaps we shouldn’t always interpret that caution as a lack of interest.

Sometimes, people are simply trying to determine whether it is safe to trust you with their feelings.

The Problem With Assumptions

There is another problem that complicates relationships even further:

Assumptions.

We assume too much.

Someone says, “I don’t really go out,” and we assume they don’t enjoy going out.

Someone says, “I don’t travel much,” and we assume they don’t want to travel.

Someone says, “I’ve never really done that,” and we immediately conclude:

“Then we probably aren’t compatible.”

But what if we asked one more question?

“Would you like to try it?”

Or:

“Is it something you’ve never been interested in, or simply something you’ve never had the opportunity to do?”

There is a difference.

A person who has never travelled may still dream of travelling.

An introvert may still enjoy going out occasionally with someone they love.

Someone who has never shared your hobbies may become genuinely interested in them because they enjoy experiencing life with you.

We sometimes reject people based on answers we never properly investigated.

And that is why communication matters.

Ask. Listen. Clarify.

Don’t build an entire picture of somebody from one sentence.

Don’t decide who they are without giving them the opportunity to explain themselves.

And don’t walk away simply because you assumed they wouldn’t fit into the life you imagined.

Love Is Not Always About Finding Your Exact Match

Love is not always about finding someone who already looks exactly like the person in your head.

Sometimes, it is about finding someone whose differences you are willing to understand.

That does not mean ignoring genuine incompatibilities.

It also does not mean forcing yourself to remain in a relationship that no longer feels right.

Nobody should stay with someone simply because that person has developed feelings for them.

Feelings change.

Attraction changes.

People discover things about themselves.

And sometimes, despite everyone’s best intentions, two people simply don’t end up together.

That is life.

But there is a difference between changing your mind and carelessly handling somebody else’s heart while making up your mind.

That difference matters.

Emotional Responsibility Matters

If you are unsure about your feelings, be honest about it.

When you are exploring different possibilities, don’t create a false sense of certainty.

As your feelings change, communicate openly rather than leaving the other person to guess.

Most importantly, if you no longer see a future with someone, don’t keep giving them hope that one exists.

Because rejection hurts.

But being led to believe that you were finally being chosen, only to discover that you were never really the choice, can hurt in an entirely different way.

And perhaps this is something dating shows and society generally need to discuss more.

Are we really teaching people how to find love?

Or are we sometimes teaching them how to compete for love, win someone’s attention and discard people when a seemingly better option appears?

Because people are not options on a menu.

They are not contestants whose emotional investment can simply be reset when the episode ends.

They are human beings.

And every human being deserves to be treated with a certain level of emotional responsibility.

Perhaps We Need to Slow Down

Maybe we need to slow down; ask better questions; Listen more carefully; Stop assuming and start communicating; And maybe, before telling someone “I like you,” we should understand what those words might mean to the person hearing them.

You may say it casually.

But someone else may hear:

“There is hope here.”

And once you give someone hope, you should be careful with it.

Not because you owe them love.

Not because you owe them a relationship.

But because you owe them the truth.

Sometimes, the kindest thing you can give someone is not your love.

It is your honesty, before they fall in love with the possibility of you.

The Afri-Global News Perspective

Dating will always involve uncertainty. People will meet, connect, change their minds and sometimes choose someone else.

That is not necessarily cruel.

What matters is how we handle people while we are making those choices.

Clear communication does not guarantee that nobody will get hurt. Rejection will still sting. Disappointment will still happen.

However, honesty can prevent unnecessary emotional damage.

So, before you give someone words that sound like a promise, be certain about what you are actually communicating.

Because you may not owe someone your heart, but you owe them the truth about where your heart stands.

By: Prince Folorunsho Adegoke (PFA)
Media and Strategic Communications Professional.